I’ve always been fascinated by how we can feel good about ourselves even in the midst of real challenges. Can a person get to a place of feeling upbeat about him or herself even when life is difficult?
Here are some common negative thoughts that people have in the workplace:
- I am a failure because of …
- I am not as outspoken as my coworkers.
- I was passed up for a promotion that someone with less seniority got.
- My boss / team doesn’t like me.
- I am sometimes late for work.
- I don’t participate in company events.
This is negative self-talk, and it can sabotage us. These types of thoughts sound plausible. That’s what makes overcoming them so tricky. However, if you look closely at each of them, you’ll find that they are made of exaggerations. They discount the positive and only look at a situation from a very narrow and negative point of view.
Simply put, self-talk is whatever we’re telling ourselves. It’s normal. I am a therapist, but I sometimes catch myself engaging in negative self-talk. Showing how to catch it and change it is the purpose of this article.
I told myself once, “I’m failing because I’m not reaching my income goals for the year.” This thought made me depressed and I felt like giving up. But I didn’t want to give up. I also didn’t want to keep feeling depressed because that it was hindering my motivation. It became a vicious cycle of feeling down, then a lack of motivation, which made me more depressed.
I dug into the thought, “I’m a failure because I’m not reaching my financial goals.” I realized it was not true. ‘I’m a failure’ is called all-or-nothing thinking, which is rarely accurate. To me successes meant one thing, being 100 percent prosperous, but as we know achievement has a lot of pluses and minuses.
Although it was true, I was not meeting my self imposed financial goals, there were some months when I actually did. I began telling myself, “I’m partially successful.” This was actually more truthful. This thought lifted my spirits and I started giving myself credit for the things I was doing well. This new thought, began to motivate me. I started recognizing where I could improve and do things differently. I realized this was an important lesson to learn.
It may seem simple, but there is a big difference between thinking, “I’m a failure,” and “I’m partially successful.” By dealing with my thoughts head one, I felt better about myself and became more productive. This new outlook lifted me out of the negative cycle and motivated me to work on specific ways where I could be more productive.
Another way to change negative self-talk is to imagine talking to yourself the way you would to a loved one. Pretend a friend or family member came to you with the same problem you are having and asked for help. How would you respond? You wouldn’t be so harsh. You might say something like “Setbacks are normal in business. Look at you, you’ve done a lot of really amazing things already. In fact, I admire you for honesty and pursuing your passion!” If you could say something compassionate like this to a friend, what would stop you from saying those things to yourself?
La Mirada’s former mayor Dr. Ed Eng, in his recent book, The Accidental Mayor, illustrated numerous instances throughout his life of using self-talk to turn a difficult situation into a win.
To sum up his approach, he said, “I soon realized that every small failure would prepare me to face the bigger debacle, and over time, these catastrophes became less daunting, until eventually, my most epic failures became a catalyst to my most extraordinary stories.”
Eng illustrates an important aspect of mental health thinking called positive reframing. Seeing failure and obstacles for what they were gave him permission to see the other side of the coin. He saw failure as a great story to tell later. He also recognized that failure often presented him with valuable information that he wouldn’t otherwise have. He changed a feeling of failure into a type of research and used that new information to eventually reach his goals. Eng illustrates this beautifully throughout the book.
Mental health requires us to look at things from different angles. Mental illness, by contrasts, often occurs when we limit our thinking, or only see a problem from one perspective. My goal of sharing this article is that you find hope and motivation by examining what you are telling yourself on a daily basis.
You have the power to change the way you feel by changing the way you think.
Disclaimer. This article is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered legal or clinical advice or a substitute for professional mental-health advice or consultations with a healthcare professional. Please consult your health care professional if in crisis or for guidance to your particular situation. This article does not refer to any specific person. The stories may be similar to that of others. There are many useful therapy techniques and in no way do I claim to have the only answer, as people are different and respond to different techniques or approaches.
Michael Mikulski, LMFT is a professional mental-health therapist with a private practice in La Mirada through the Feeling Good Institute where he is also the Manager of the Pre-licensed Clinicians Program. He worked locally in Santa Fe Springs as Director of Adults Services for Pacific Clinics from 2011 – 2016 and practices a structure of therapy called TEAM-CBT developed by the best-selling author David D. Burns, MD, author of ‘Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy’ and ‘Feeling Great’.
To contact Mikulski please email him at mikem@feelinggoodinstitute.com or call (562) 367-7564.
